My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
