Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
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I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
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A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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