The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
