How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
