Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
