Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm just crazy horny about you
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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