yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
