Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
