Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
