stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
