I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
