My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
