i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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