dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
