I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
