Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
