just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the gays at disneyland are vicious
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
