Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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