Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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