WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Why are your pants in the freezer?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
