erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
