The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
