I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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