talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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