is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
