Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
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