Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
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