Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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