Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
