If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
