Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Randomize
