i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
