Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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