So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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