true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
