I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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