just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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