I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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