Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
