He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
