I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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