I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
