I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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