apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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