I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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