I cockslap morals
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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