we have pet lesbian snakes
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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