My sheets look like a crime scene.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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