The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
