could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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