i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
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I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
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I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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