what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
