I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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