I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
