WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
