why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
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you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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