I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
