Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Acid is not a monday night drug
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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